I remember watching a documentary a year prior on ayahuasca and I thought to myself then that I would some day have that same experience. It was a knowing that I can't explain at that time and now that day is here. How did this all happen, I am so far away from home. I am not sure what to expect or what to even feel as I lay in this hut trying to prepare for what is about to become of my body, mind and soul.
I think I am ready as I hear the jungle loudly creating music to my ears. its 5pm and my ceremony is at 7pm and I am oddly feeing calm at this point. I have been in this hut and in the jungle for 5 days now and this is part of the reason I came here. I came here to heal and learn so I can help more people in my life.
The time has arrived and I leave my hut and walk to the maloka (a ceremonial space) and upon arrival I see about 5 others already there. I found my space with a mat and some blankets already set up for me with a purge bucket. There were 8 of us total in this octagon shaped building on stilts. Everyone is at a different stage in their healing journey. I introduced myself to the women next to me and she told me that she has done ayahuasca over 200 times. What!!! I thought to myself - I asked the man next to me and he said this is his 9th tine and he was finishing his 30 day dieta and he was dressed in a full shamanic outfit. I felt that maybe I didn't bring enough sacred objects, I only brought some crystals with me, while others had rattles, drums, cards and so much more.
I felt a little out of place and felt a part of me saying that I don't belong here and a wave of fear cupped with anxiety of the unknown began to fill my body with falsehoods. At this point the Shaman (Rashinika) came into the Maloka and I could feel his presence immediately and that presence calmed me. Rashinika is a powerful Shaman and I felt his power in my soul. I was honored to be in is presence and almost felt childlike in my behavior. This all felt so familiar, like I have done this before.
The coordinator and owner of this particular place in the jungle began to speak about the rules set forth. I was the only person in this particular group that was doing this for the first time. there was a single candle lit in the middle of the ceremony space and a huge quartz crystal. it was very dark to begin with and after the ceremony starts the candle gets blown out so we are in complete darkness during the ceremony.
The shaman calls us up one by one to set in front of him to drink the ayahuasca. I must admit I was terrified at this point, I was the last person to drink this foul tasting brew. it was my first time with this plant medicine so the shaman gave me half the dose to make sure my body was able to handle it.
After about 45 minutes the coordinator blew out the candle and left us in complete darkness and soon came over to my mat and asked me if I was feeling anything. I had said that I am not sure but I don't know what to feel at this point and he said that I needed more. At this point the Shaman started singing icuros which is high vibrational music that almost sounds like chanting. The coordinator came back brought me more brew to drink.
After drinking my 2nd dose if you will, I then started to feel intense turbulence in my stomach. I was by no means seeing rainbows and butterflies at this point. The music coming from the Shaman was truly calming me. I felt the need to throw up and struggled to find my purge bucket because of how dark it was. I finally found my purge packet and I started to purge. I began to observe the feeling of being like a snake. The snake is a healing icon in Peru and I now know why. As I am purging I felt as if I was a snake, its hard to explain, this didn't scare me it just threw me off for second or two. I had about 20 mn or so of this purging. I would stop for some time and purge again. The first hour was al about me throwing up energy. That is exactly what it felt like. The more energy I threw up the better I felt. At certain points I could feel the Shaman work on me because my head would light up like a Christmas tree and I would purge harder.
it came to a point where I stoped purging and was able to lay on my mat and allow what was going to happen to happen. I began to see things becoming more and more bright in color like sacred geometry shapes lots of triangles and things like that. Then the coordinator came to my mat and asked if I was ok and I said I was and he said that the Shaman is requesting to see me. At this point I couldn't walk so I slid over to the shaman and they laid me down in a certain position where the Shaman can blow tobacco smoke on me which was quite amazing. At this point, and this is hard to explain but I will try my best, it felt like my crown just lit up like a Christmas tree. I felt the Shaman work on me but it was timeless and a feeling of bliss that I can never put into words. That feeling didn't last to long however because I felt the shaman was almost pulling from me. I again got violently sick and began purging quite loudly. This time when I was purging I felt like I had fangs, oddly enough it didn't scare me I just let it happen. I felt a lot of negative energy around me but I refused to look at it almost like a demon was staring at me. I felt the shaman pulling from my stomach as it was coming out into my purge bucket. My root chakra literally hurt and I was crying and puking at this point, This lasted for about 20 min but it felt like 20 years. Afterwards, in talking with the Shaman he said he would go deeper into my energy but I wasn't ready yet on my first session, and boy did he later on.. I will discuss more about that at a later time.
I went back to my mat after seeing the shaman and again I had to crawl back because I had no sense of anything. I couldn't tell where the floor began and that was a weird felling to have. At this point, laying back on my mat trying to figure out what the hell just happened to me, I felt my moms presence. My mom died when I was 25 and I forgot what it feels like energetically to feel her presence as if she was alive. The energy I felt with her was like she was living and breathing next to me, She didn't say much and everything she did say was telepathic in a way and I just knew what she wanted to tell me. At this point I literally felt a pressure on my ams as she laid next to me while I was in fetal position. She put the vibration of love into my existence and truly healed the younger version of me who didn't feel love from her. For me, this was a magical experience.
A little after the event with my mom a younger 4 year old of me came forth. I could see me, all of me including the front tooth I was missing when I had an accident with a coffee table. This version spoke to me and quite honestly scared me when this happened. He told me it was ok to be me and it was ok to be different and that I was different for a reason so I need to embrace the true essence of who I am. When this younger version was done with me he just kinda vanished and a new experience happened. This is how it was for me, I just kept having experiences after experiences.
I did have to go to the bathroom about halfway into the ceremony. Ceremonies last about 5 hours. That experience was not exactly pleasant and it was hard to walk to the bathroom especially being so dark, but I did have a clicker light with me so I could at least see where I was walking.
After coming back from the bathroom one of the other participants started to sing while the Shaman took a break. I looked at him and his face turned into the face mask of scream from that movie scream. I let it happen and I saw his aura and all his light as he sang his music. I at no point during my first time with ayahuasca let any bad experiences happen. I choose to control my experiences. My breath was key in helping me get back into my body when anything happened to me that scared me.
So, much more happened and I was introduced to my avatar this night as well (more about that later) and as the ceremony ended I felt back to normal again, actually I felt great to be honest.
This experience only left me wanting more as I felt my work wasn't done by any means. I had 9 sessions total and each was was different in its own way. Some of my most powerful healing happened while I was purging or seeing things I had to see to move past some pain in my life. I had no idea what was in store for me but I was ready. I did not allow myself to go to deep with ayahuasca on the first session but after my ego death on my third Ayahuasca session things definitely got deeper and more intense.