During my month long dieta in the jungle of Peru I did 9 ayahuasca sessions. During my third ayahuasca session I had what is commonly known as "the ego death". Ayahuasca is also known as the vine of death for this very reason. I am going to try to explain how impactful this experience was for me.
This session started like all the others. I walked into the Maloka and found my mat. This night there were 9 of us doing ayahuasca and everyone is on a different path of their individual journeys.
This night felt different to me for some reason which left me with an uneasiness which I can't put into words, I just knew something was different but didn't know how to explain it. Things this night smelled different to me for some reason. The pungent smell of the jungle and the moisture in the air was quite overwhelming yet satisfying.
As I lay on my mat and do light stretches I patiently await the Shamans arrival. As the Shaman enters the sacred space I could feel his presence much stronger than I did the previous two times and I thought that was interesting and just made an observation of what I was feeling.
Rashinkia (the shaman) started to unpack his sacred objects and get the ayahuasca brew ready. He then called us up one by one to drink the foul tasting tea like mixture of the ayahuasca vine and the chicuro plant. I was the last one to drink the brew out of all of us and I kept feeling really nervous, like I knew this time it would be different.
I sat in front of the Shaman and he blessed the brew in front of me and set his own intentions and I took it from him and set my own intentions into the brew. My intention this time was to surrender so I could see what I needed to see for ultimate healing in this session and all to follow. As I blew that intention into the brew I felt chills go up and down my back, almost like the liquid was hearing what I was saying and adjusting its molecules to fit my intention ~ I know that sounds crazy right!
I went back to my mat and relaxed until the ayahuasca set in. The small candle was lit in the middle of the ceremonial space and after about 40 minutes the coordinator blew it out. At this point I was starting to feel the effects of the brew and I remember thinking "here we go". I remember seeing complete darkness around me except for a little light from the moon creeping in through the small openings in the ceremonial space.
As usual, I started to have major stomach turbulence and I was not feeling the best. I then started to feel all my senses leaving me in a way. I couldn't tell you what was up down or sideways at this point. I was not seeing anything worth noting, but I was feeling the intense need to purge. I found my purge bucket and began violently throwing up. As I am throwing up I am feeling awful and like before I felt like I was a snake and this time I felt there were snakes all around me. Again, this did not scare me but it took me off guard for a second or two. I know that the snake is the healing icon in Peru so I allowed this crazy visual to happen so it wouldn't scare me. It was quite a visual for sure, it's as if snakes were crawling around me and were happy when I purged, just like a feeling of shedding their skin I presume.
I have noticed that during the first hour all I usually do is purge. its usually after the purge that the real visions begin. This time, however, it was different. I started to feel very unsafe and I started to have chest pains and it felt like my heart was beating a mile a minute. My body was trying so hard to control every aspect of what was going on. I felt as if I was going to die and I began to plan how that would look. My ego was planing my death. Who would find my body in Peru and who would pay for my body to be shipped back to the US? I saw very vivid scenes in my head of my funeral and I planned every aspect of it down to the tie I was wearing and the music that was playing while I lay in my casket. A Mumford and Sons song called 'Awake my Soul' was playing in the background. I saw friends and family and even could tell you what the wallpaper looked like. In all accounts, to me this was very real, I could see a big picture of me and all the signatures of people who had signed the log book. I noticed every little detail down to the damaged pews and the color of the stain. Am I at my own funeral I thought? I did think that this was all real and perhaps in a different time and space it was. I mean hell, I even saw the tears in the carpet from over traffic of walking - I saw every little detail, how can my mind make all this up?
I am literally thinking I am dying and my body is trying to hard to keep me alive as I keep seeing my funeral. I am fearing my own death at this moment. I heard a voice in my head that kind of came out of nowhere that said "just surrender". So, at that point in time I go back to my intention and I say it again, I then think to myself that this is it and I had a good and fulfilling life. I literally think I am dying and when one experiences this feeling it changes you. I am forever changed because of this event. I now completely surrender for the first time at this level in my entire life.
After I allowed myself to surrender, I saw a light and I immediately thought I was actually dying and I was ok with it. I felt this amazing wave of healing, like standing before God himself. I was ready and I completely surrendered.
Now this is where things take a twist for sure. That light I saw was my own light. I was afraid of my own light ~ how about that? During this time I saw what seemed to be fairies in my awareness. I didn't know what was happening to me at this point and I just allowed what was going to happen to happen. I remember calling in Archangel Michael to protect me and I felt his golden light all around me and that made me feel safe, almost like he put me in a protective egg. Then, out of nowhere these fairies said they were going to take me. TAKE ME! - I thought to myself. Are these fairies good or bad and I asked that question and got a clear voice saying they were good. and they spoke to me telepathically. During this time very vivid sacred geometry shapes were all around me, I saw metatron's cube everywhere. The fairies said they were going to take me to the underworld (a dimensional place shamans travel to during healing sessions - I have been there quite often) and show me what true bliss feels like. At this time, my arms moved out next to me and I got in full comfortable position. I kept seeing the brightest colors and shapes and figures off in the distance. I saw a buddha like figure saying he is proud of the work my soul has done because telepathically I am helping the planet but I don't understand all of that yet. To be honest I don't really know if I am dead or alive at this point, it was a very confusing time for me.
These so called fairies lay me down on what appears to be black sand, which is typical of my work in the underworld when I do soul retrievals for my clients. I then saw my power animal, a wolf, checking in with me to make sure I was ok. This all seems to be out of a movie but I assure you, in my mind this felt more real that life itself. Time didn't seem to be a thing at all, things happened so quick but yet so slow at the same time.
I was then at this point pulled from my ego death experience as the Shaman wanted to work on me one on one. I knew I was alive!!!! I couldn't walk so I literally slid my body over to him. As I lay my head down on the tobacco leaves he created for me he starts to sing high vibrational music called Icuros and I feel my head light up again and this is a feeling that can never be put into words, its like he is downloading powerful skills and DNA strands straight into my energetic body. While he is doing this I feel incredibly uncomfortable and feel the need to purge and scream at the same time. I feel a pulling from my whole body starting at my legs and working its way up, This time I felt like there were snakes in me and crawling through my body, I allowed myself to accept this and oddly enough it didn't scare me to much because I knew I had to experience this, if I had resisted it would have made things worse and I knew this on a subconscious level. When I began purging I felt like I was throwing up snakes and I could hear a clear rattle like a snakes tail. Believe it or not, I was still not afraid, I know that sounds crazy but I think I just let it happen. After I got done purging, I felt the need to scream. It started as a light sound but got louder and louder the more I screamed. I was screaming from the pits of my stomach and as I opened my mouth I felt this black energy, like a poltergeist cloud leave my mouth the more I screamed. My body was doing all kinds of weird moves, like I was going through an exorcism or something. I kept screaming for about 10 minutes and the Shaman's music was so powerful that it was healing me on a level I have never been healed before. After another 10 minutes the coordinator told me I could go back to my mat. I crawled back to my mat and finished my ego death experience.
As soon as I found my mat, the fairies were back and literally tied my arms down again and I felt my soul leave my body, its a feeling that can never be recreated in a way that will ever make sense to me or anybody that reads these words. I go back to where I was in the underworld and see my power animal again and then these fairies blow into my body and I felt the most loving feeling I have ever experienced in my life and probably will never experience again. It was a feeling of complete oneness with myself and everything around me. These fairies told me I could come back to this feeling anytime I wanted. While this bliss feeling was happening to me, I could still see the Buddha figure and I saw in my awareness some darker figures the were not allowed to get close to me, although I think they tried, but my energy was beyond their reach. I felt Archangel Michaels presence every step of the way because I called upon him often for protection and I held his medallion that a friend gave me to take with during ceremony.
I had about another hour of blissful feelings and amazing views of what I feel heaven may be like. I felt at peace and was vibrating so high that my entire body was shaking and I was laying in a pool of sweat. This is the point also where I could hear the sound of the universe and could feel the heartbeat of Mother Earth. I was in rhythm with it all and it was an amazing experience.
After letting go and fully surrendering to what has happening I was able to see beyond the vail of what most people are never shown. I still question why I was shown that, what makes me so special enough to bear witness to the universe and all its glory? That question was answered on my 7th experience with ayahuasca and that's a whole other story.
It was around midnight and the session was over and the candle was lit and I got up and walked to my hut in darkness with such compassion in my heart and a new sense of being. How on earth am I suppose to handle all of this I thought? I slept like a baby and even had blissful dreams. Listening to the jungle while I slept had a new meaning and I just understood like never before how the world works.